I finally see my future in front of me! Light at the end of a tunnel that isn’t an on coming train!
I had been sick with no end in site for years. I ended up in a horrendous nation temporarily. But I couldn’t have picked a worse place to get ill and realize. I’m sick and this isn’t getting any better.
During my journey I tried getting back into life but it never panned out because I wasn’t being properly diagnosed or cared for. And those with auto immune know that is a no no but common!
I tried to get back into life and work before by pushing myself but it was not time for me yet. I had not found proper care and I was not even close to being healed or able for that matter.
Now as I am writing this, long after my other tries to get back to life only now with medication that has changed my life, I am ready to get back to life.
And I have such joy!
I can’t even describe the joy I have in my heart in my life now. I feel so liberated that this point it goes soul deep.
I wake up praying prayers of “Thank You God.” Before I used to beg him for the strength to just get through my day. I now wake up happy and at the very least neutral. And now with no anger, disgust or sadness.
I no longer wake up not knowing what I’m going to do or trying to figure out how to just survive another day. OK maybe I still do that because I took a huge financial hit for so long and now I am ready to get back to life.
I know you understand that well if you have lupus or hashimotos or any of the horrible auto immune diseases.
I can actually get on the floor and tickle my son without needing a nap. Actually I can get on the floor and actually get back up! I don’t need to say “not today honey I’m sorry, mommy is so sick and I can hardly stand up.”
I can do my dishes! AND I can do it more than once a day! No taking five breaks doing dishes overtime I try to do the chore. I do them all at once as if I was a normal person now!
That might sound odd to a healthy person. Who needs to take breaks from such a simple task?
Those with auto immune will say “Me that’s who!” I needed breaks during dishes. I think at times I needed a break during a nap that’s how exhausted I got.
There were many times and days where I had dishes piled up and couldn’t even dream of doing them. I struggled to even fill up the dishwasher to clean them when I ran out of dishes entirely. But I had to push myself or I couldn’t get a meal to my little boy.
My house looked like a train wreck many more days. My life looked like even more of a train wreck.
The things I took for granted before…
I won’t say I will never complain about dishes ever again. But at this point I do NOT complain about doing dishes. Nor walking to my basement laundry room to do laundry. Before I could not even carry up my laundry basket.
Need I tell you how my laundry room looked?
So no I am not complaining now. I used to like to clean but now I have joy in my cleaning expeditions.
And now I also know where my life is headed and what I want to do. I have a couple of plans that are all part of one big plan. I can do one or all.
And I had plans somewhat along these lines before I became sick with what seemed never ending. And that plan was put on hold for a long while.
Now I realize that wasn’t going in the exact direction I was supposed to go. Now things are more fine tuned and I know without a doubt I am doing what I want to do.
Before all this happened to me I always wondered if I missed my calling when it came to med school. I always felt that way when I was admitted to the hospital for my severe asthma. But I now know I am glad I never went that route all those years ago.
It was not my calling! This journey taught me that, and it taught me to never worry about it again with regret when I am admitted. I had such a horrendous experience and I wouldn’t want to be that to anyone.
And that is where my “Casa de las Mariposas” plan came from. House of the Butterflies.
I’m not sure that I will get to part three of this plan which would be a house opened. For people recovering from auto immune flares to rest and rejuvenate fully before headed back to life and work. Instead of rushing in head long and not being fully ready.
I personally needed to relax after I started to feel better. It would have been better if I could relax where I want to start this house.
The flares and illness are extremely exhausting. More so than working 16 hour days with no days off for months at a time like I’ve done in the past before my symptoms showed up in full force. As of now I have two auto immune diseases and possibly more. Im just not done testing.
But it is what my heart wants to do. And I know I would feel blessed to have people come stay and feel their health being restored to a deeper level than just physical.
Because quite frankly every part of us takes a pretty hard hit when we are sick and on the road to figuring it out and through flares.
In the mean time I am going to share what I went through and what I have learned. And what finally helped me start the recovery process and do my dishes.
But I am not going to let my experience as awful as it was, go to waste…
I really want to make a career out of being a support system for those going through diagnosis and all the struggling, changes, loneliness and uncertainty it tends to bring. As I move along with this site I will start more hands on help for those who need. I also started to write a book.
And this is all where my idea for Casa de las Mariposas began…